and she broke your throne and she cut your hair

[ishguardian]

[ his mind feels a blur, his ears numb, stuffed with cotton, his body so unfeeling that the pain no longer exists, or else it is compacted somewhere far away where his senses cannot find it. it will be back, he is sure. he has known shock before, and distantly he knows now that this is shock again, a rattling deep in his core that has naught to do with the wounds and bruises and cracked ribs.

the scent of haurchefant's blood seems to linger in his clothing, the acrid scent of aether burned flesh and mail, coppery and sickly sweet, clinging to his hair and skin, suffocating, muffling. and the image of his father turned away, out of reach as he has always been, the spectre that has haunted his life and harried his steps since boyhood. there is movement - the body being lifted, transported, estinien and lucia shuffling nearby, and perhaps he is giving weak orders while he stands still half-crumpled on his feet, or perhaps that it only the noise of his mind pulling itself back together.

but time waits for no man, and haurchefant is quickly hurried away, and aymeric finds himself staring at the dark stain left behind on the smooth, perfect marble. there should be more, he thinks, carelessly. the spear of aether must have cauterized the wound. these quick, morbid thoughts fill his mind and he is repulsed by himself though he can no more press them away than he can to crowd out the insistent, continuous buzzing in his ears. everything has moved so quickly, and now that it is over it feels as if he has been pulled into a vacuum with no sound, no wind. he clutches his arm with his free hand, where the ache is beginning slowly to bloom again, the words turning over in his mind that he cannot bring himself to give voice to.

it is my fault. ]

Comments

[estinien]

[estinien silently watches long fingers twining through dark hair as the lord commander finally seems to settle off of his feet. it's a small start at the very least and enough to allay the worry that aymeric would simply drive himself into the ground through working. physically things were going to be fine. mentally? estinien doesn't know. the loss of haurchefant was a devastating blow. the elezen had been cocksure and a rambunctious person. estinien knows that the loss will be felt for a long time to come, though personally he will be quick to put that aside for more important things. haurchefant had been a big help, but he had not been around for the majority of things, was not up to speed with the actual goings on that were happening. as cold as it sounded in his own mind, estinien knows that it could have been much worse. they would be able to avenge haurchefant in due course, but estinien suspects that it would not be the most important thing on their plates for a while yet.

even if he does want to strangle the shit out of the archbishop. just looking at the way aymeric is sat has the dragoon's stomach sinking, feelings of sympathy starting to truly sink in. how must it feel to know that the one looked up to the most was the one destroying everything held dear? estinien had been so angry at alberic for causing the ruin of ferndale, but that was something that had happened so far in the past that the impact was not what it could have been. this? this was fresh for aymeric, this was something that was happening right now and all they could do was ride the wave and work on setting right the wrongs.

nothing would take away the pain of it though, nothing would lessen the gaping wound that caused so much hurt. all aymeric would be able to do, if anything, was learn to live with it. the dragoon can't help but wonder if aymeric would manage that when he hears what the other has to say, cringing inwardly at the tremor in the normally firm voice.]

Aymeric. What happened was not your fault but that of the archbishop and the knights. None of us could have even foreseen what happened today, yet it still happened. We did not know how that man would have reacted to what you had to say, nor did we suspect that Zephirin would have been ready and waiting. [estinien pauses, mulling his next words over.] That man is not a father, does not act as one, and you should stop looking at him as one.

[ishguardian]

[ his head feels heavy in his hands, his entire body a sluggish weight that pulls down, down, down, and aymeric would love nothing more than to retreat, to climb into his bed and trap himself beneath the darkness of the covers to lick his wounds in peace.

estinien is right, he knows, objectively, when it comes to the matter of haurchefant. what the young lord had done had been on his own terms, it was his choice to risk himself in defense of what he believes in, and yet aymeric cannot shake the guilt. he's not certain that he shall ever entirely forgive himself for it, but that is the hard truth of commanding men in a land at war. this is not the first man he has watched give his life for ishgard, nor shall it be the last, but it is perhaps the most personal. ]

I know.

[ the words are breathless as a defeat; part of doing what it is that he does is learning what is necessary to carry around, and what is not, and though the wound is still fresh he knows he cannot afford himself the time to mope about like a maid, lest he abandon ishgard at her time of need. the matter of his father, however.. breaches a topic that is delicate to them both. aymeric knows full well about estinien's past, about how sensitive the subject of family might be to either one of them; this is an argument he's not certain he has the energy to breach. he's worked so long and so hard for his father's approval, that he might somehow achieve something he might find worthwhile, that some connection might be had between he and the man who did not want him, yet was too merciful to see him put down.

he can't argue it. not now. the wound is still too fresh. aymeric at last sits back in his chair with a heavy sigh, one hand slipping to gently finger a spot of soreness at his ribs. his voice is at last beginning to even out, though there is a weariness there now that drags at his words. ]

Azys Lla.. [ he sounds the words as if he is feeling them on his tongue. ] I feel I have heard the words before, though I cannot say where..

[estinien]

Alphinaud is already looking for information on it, along with the lalafell. If there is anything out there on Azys Lla they will find it. I would suspect the lalafell more than Alphinaud to find it first; she can talk a goblin into giving it's treasure over.

[really, tartaru disturbs estinien in the way she so easily extracts information. that's a talk for another time though, right now the dragoon is going to keep his attention on aymeric and make sure the other stays strong. should the lord commander falter, his men would falter and that alone would cause problems. estinien has no doubt that the knights of heavens' ward and the archbishop would be a rocky and drawn out path to be taking for all of them; aymeric was going to need to steel himself for what would come. the best case scenario would be to kill the archbishop and estinien isn't even sure if the other elezen can even come to terms with the idea of patricide. not yet.

estinien tilts his head a little, ear cocked towards the door as if listening for something. there is no creak of floorboards or sounds of any others outside the office and that would do for now. most looked upon estinien as a cold being, someone who was aloof and rarely gave a damn beyond the next dragon. estinien knows what they say and simply ignores it, for anyone with that kind of chocobocrap rattling around their heads were not worth his time. no he wasn't cold, estinien simply knows a moment of weakness was enough to let nidhogg get a hold through the eye. considering the dragon was dead.... well, there's no-one around to see as the dragoon crosses the room to stand next to aymeric, placing a hand lightly on the other's shoulder.]

You don't need that man when you have your own men who look up to you. You have friends and comrades who will follow you to the ends of the world. It is the archbishop who is missing the better things here.

[ishguardian]

[ he should have known better than to think he could divert the topic; estinien is ravenous as a bloodhound when he's on the scent of something, and there is no budging him when he has decided to dig in his heels.

still, he.. does not entirely expect it when he hears the approaching footsteps, and feels the weight of estinien's mailed hand clasping his shoulder. what they say about him - his coldness, his distance - aymeric knows better, has always known better. beneath his stiffness a fierce heart burns, and aymeric is not unaware of it. he knows the exacting cost of bearing the eye of nidhogg, what toll it demands of its owner, the difficulties involved with the heavy title of azure dragoon. despite what they say, estinien has been nothing less than a good friend and a fiercely loyal comrade, and for that aymeric will always be grateful, but he has learned what to expect of him, and what not to.

there's a moment of tension when his shoulders stiffen, though it is less out of distaste than surprise, and aymeric lifts his head. bewilderment flashes over his expression before it begins to collapse, his brows drawing tightly together, and there is a raw anguish in his eyes that is rare and fleeting and so very unlike what most might have come to expect of the image of himself that aymeric has worked so hard to uphold. at last he lifts a hand, his gloved palm coming to rest over estinien's knuckles, fingers grasping tightly in a show of acceptance, camaraderie, and gratitude. ]

.. thank you, my friend. It is good to know that I have those who would stand by me, even -- even now, when I am less myself than I would like to be. This.. this shall pass.

[estinien]

[estinien isn't sure what to expect from aymeric with the hand on his shoulder, quietly stunned when he feels the other's hand over his and giving it a small, reassuring squeeze. sometimes aymeric surprised even him and right now it's taking everything within the dragoon not to just stand there and stare in mute shock. the look in aymeric's eyes is almost despair, enough so that estinien can feel it like a cold dagger twisting in his stomach. what pain was the other suffering to drag such a look from the lord commander? what thoughts were taking root right now that would do nothing but torment from a distance in the quiet of the night?

whatever it was, estinien never wants to see it again, helpless in the knowledge that it isn't something that he can defeat in battle yet wishing bloody vengeance on it anyway.

estinien quickly realizes that he's allowed his own thoughts to wander, that he's been staring at aymeric in silence for a good, solid few moments. the realization is swift enough to have the dragoon straightening back up, looking away with thinning lips as he bites some terse words out with only half of the usual vehemence.]

You should act more like yourself and not what other people expect you to be. Tsk, as long as you think it will pass.

[ishguardian]

[ estinien's reaction is almost amusing, had aymeric had the heart to be able to feel it at the moment, but still a certain bemused fondness warms his core. for all of his faults, estinien is a good man, and aymeric will not forget this favor, however small it might seem. the weakest of smiles is hinted at the corners of his eyes, and it does little enough to chase away the shadows consuming his heart, but it is, at least, something.

once estinien has drawn away aymeric drops his hand with a low, slow sigh, settling against the tall chair with his head resting back and his eyelids low. one conversation is not enough to knit the gaping wound of haurchefant's loss, or fill the hole left behind by the betrayal of his own blood and sire, but he is, at least, more whole than he had been, at ease enough to begin to peel away the veil that clings to his eyes and heart. ]

You know full well that things shall always be expected of men like us.

[ his voice is weary, but gentler, and there is little enough room for argument. when one becomes a soldier, a representative of his people, he must give up something of himself to the cause. aymeric knows full well that he must divide himself into two people if he is to succeed in this role, if he is to give all he has in ishgard's defense. to usher in reform is no small or simple matter, and he shall need to become exactly what is expected of him if he is to realize his dream. but it is a sacrifice he is willing to make, and he does not plan to burn away the man beneath the mantle in order to do it. still, it makes the burden no less heavy, but with extra hands to help him carry it, he is at ease. ]

.. but I will be fine. Most especially after a good long rest, I think.

[ and some patching up. and a nice hot bath. these all sound excellent. ]

[estinien]

[there's visible relief in the pull of estinien's lips as he notices some shadows starting to fade away from the lord commander's eyes. there is still the idea that aymeric may be tempted to do something stupid but then estinien has to wonder if he's simply projecting himself into that. he understands the pain of a parent turning out to be a back-stabbing worthless excuse, though the scales of their scenarios are both vastly different the pain is still the same. the question of "why" will be ringing in aymeric's ears for a long time to come and for now all estinien can do is nod at the comment about things being expected. everyone has a role to play and aymeric is not exempt from that no matter how much they wished it.

the dragoon huffs, showing both his agreement with the comment and how he actually feels about it.]

We shall have to make sure no-one interrupts your recuperation. Between Lucia and myself I believe we're sufficient to scare even the most stalwart of people away.

[if he was a mindreader estinien would most likely agree with the hot bath thought. everyone needed that after a shit time, and almost as if thinking about things that would make him feel better.....] What order do you want us to deal with those Knights in? There are twelve and killing them all in one go would not be satisfying enough.

[it's a lame attempt at humor, though with a helmet covering his face most would find it hard to discern the humor from the truth.]

[ishguardian]

[ doing something stupid has certainly crossed his mind without a doubt, but thankfully aymeric is not particularly prone to following up with such inclinations -- his near martyring sacrifice at the vault notwithstanding. his self-control is maddeningly restrictive sometimes, but he supposes at least, it has helped him to get where he is today.

with estinien's huff, however, a haze seems to lift from the room, and there is a lightness in the air that was not there before, however faint. he aches still, body and soul, but the fit of despair seems to have passed - or at the very least, leveled out into something controllable. a rueful smile touches the corners of his mouth, though it does not quite reach his eyes, and aymeric sighs as he sits back in his chair. ]

.. ah, if wishes were chocobos, I suppose.

[ if only torture for the fun of it were something aymeric could get behind. alas. ]

[estinien]

If wishes were chocobos? There's enough of those feathered fiends in the forelands for everyone.

[it's obvious estinien isn't a fan of chocobos. for whatever reason it's as if dragoon and bird simply cannot co-exist within a few meters of each other and generally ends in a great big bird-kick to someone's side. normally estinien's. and those breaks are sharper than they look too, and the claws.....

no, people could keep their wishes, they were foolish anyway. estinien would probably rethink that stance one day, wishing he had never set his sights upon the eyes of nidhogg.]

If there's anything you need.... [estinien trails off, not even sure how he means to finish that sentence. there's not much he can offer in his opinion, simply a shoulder. and there are more comfortable shoulders than his own.] I'll be outside making sure no-one disturbs you for now.

[ishguardian]

[ aymeric lifts his eyes from his desk again, and they are hooded and distant still, but his body language is smoothed over and softened, and there is obvious appreciation in his expression, and his voice. ]

.. thank you.

[ because he knows what it means, the true weight of estinien's words, and for all of their playful bickering, and estinien's forced distance, aymeric understands him well, and he knows what it means to be given such words, however brief. there is no doubt in his mind or heart that this man, for all his belligerance and combativeness, is loyal and true to his core. aymeric trusts him, and he is more grateful for this than words can express, though he does what he can to write it into his smile, however weary it might still seem. there are few enough men, these days, that he feels he may entirely rely upon. ]

I'll be glad of the privacy.

[estinien]

Hmph. You'll be sure to get some.

[aymeric gets another glance over as estinien tries to accept that thanks and smile. a part of him wants to linger, hover around the lord commander and just simply keep watch yet estinien knows it'd be counterproductive. not only would aymeric get nothing done but he'd also start getting annoyed at someone constantly being right there. that and estinien suspects lucia will want to do just that. further down the line there will be a few furious and heated arguments in the room outside as estinien makes sure that even aymeric's right hand doesn't disturb his friend.

for now though estinien simply nods and goes to stand outside aymeric's door. there will more than likely be complaints much later from nobles who have born the brunt of estinien's temperament but at least it means that no-one will be bothering aymeric for a good few hours. that is, of course, until the first round of estinien versus lucia kicks off.]