and she broke your throne and she cut your hair

[ishguardian]

[ his mind feels a blur, his ears numb, stuffed with cotton, his body so unfeeling that the pain no longer exists, or else it is compacted somewhere far away where his senses cannot find it. it will be back, he is sure. he has known shock before, and distantly he knows now that this is shock again, a rattling deep in his core that has naught to do with the wounds and bruises and cracked ribs.

the scent of haurchefant's blood seems to linger in his clothing, the acrid scent of aether burned flesh and mail, coppery and sickly sweet, clinging to his hair and skin, suffocating, muffling. and the image of his father turned away, out of reach as he has always been, the spectre that has haunted his life and harried his steps since boyhood. there is movement - the body being lifted, transported, estinien and lucia shuffling nearby, and perhaps he is giving weak orders while he stands still half-crumpled on his feet, or perhaps that it only the noise of his mind pulling itself back together.

but time waits for no man, and haurchefant is quickly hurried away, and aymeric finds himself staring at the dark stain left behind on the smooth, perfect marble. there should be more, he thinks, carelessly. the spear of aether must have cauterized the wound. these quick, morbid thoughts fill his mind and he is repulsed by himself though he can no more press them away than he can to crowd out the insistent, continuous buzzing in his ears. everything has moved so quickly, and now that it is over it feels as if he has been pulled into a vacuum with no sound, no wind. he clutches his arm with his free hand, where the ache is beginning slowly to bloom again, the words turning over in his mind that he cannot bring himself to give voice to.

it is my fault. ]

Comments

[estinien]

[estinien isn't sure what to expect from aymeric with the hand on his shoulder, quietly stunned when he feels the other's hand over his and giving it a small, reassuring squeeze. sometimes aymeric surprised even him and right now it's taking everything within the dragoon not to just stand there and stare in mute shock. the look in aymeric's eyes is almost despair, enough so that estinien can feel it like a cold dagger twisting in his stomach. what pain was the other suffering to drag such a look from the lord commander? what thoughts were taking root right now that would do nothing but torment from a distance in the quiet of the night?

whatever it was, estinien never wants to see it again, helpless in the knowledge that it isn't something that he can defeat in battle yet wishing bloody vengeance on it anyway.

estinien quickly realizes that he's allowed his own thoughts to wander, that he's been staring at aymeric in silence for a good, solid few moments. the realization is swift enough to have the dragoon straightening back up, looking away with thinning lips as he bites some terse words out with only half of the usual vehemence.]

You should act more like yourself and not what other people expect you to be. Tsk, as long as you think it will pass.

[ishguardian]

[ estinien's reaction is almost amusing, had aymeric had the heart to be able to feel it at the moment, but still a certain bemused fondness warms his core. for all of his faults, estinien is a good man, and aymeric will not forget this favor, however small it might seem. the weakest of smiles is hinted at the corners of his eyes, and it does little enough to chase away the shadows consuming his heart, but it is, at least, something.

once estinien has drawn away aymeric drops his hand with a low, slow sigh, settling against the tall chair with his head resting back and his eyelids low. one conversation is not enough to knit the gaping wound of haurchefant's loss, or fill the hole left behind by the betrayal of his own blood and sire, but he is, at least, more whole than he had been, at ease enough to begin to peel away the veil that clings to his eyes and heart. ]

You know full well that things shall always be expected of men like us.

[ his voice is weary, but gentler, and there is little enough room for argument. when one becomes a soldier, a representative of his people, he must give up something of himself to the cause. aymeric knows full well that he must divide himself into two people if he is to succeed in this role, if he is to give all he has in ishgard's defense. to usher in reform is no small or simple matter, and he shall need to become exactly what is expected of him if he is to realize his dream. but it is a sacrifice he is willing to make, and he does not plan to burn away the man beneath the mantle in order to do it. still, it makes the burden no less heavy, but with extra hands to help him carry it, he is at ease. ]

.. but I will be fine. Most especially after a good long rest, I think.

[ and some patching up. and a nice hot bath. these all sound excellent. ]

[estinien]

[there's visible relief in the pull of estinien's lips as he notices some shadows starting to fade away from the lord commander's eyes. there is still the idea that aymeric may be tempted to do something stupid but then estinien has to wonder if he's simply projecting himself into that. he understands the pain of a parent turning out to be a back-stabbing worthless excuse, though the scales of their scenarios are both vastly different the pain is still the same. the question of "why" will be ringing in aymeric's ears for a long time to come and for now all estinien can do is nod at the comment about things being expected. everyone has a role to play and aymeric is not exempt from that no matter how much they wished it.

the dragoon huffs, showing both his agreement with the comment and how he actually feels about it.]

We shall have to make sure no-one interrupts your recuperation. Between Lucia and myself I believe we're sufficient to scare even the most stalwart of people away.

[if he was a mindreader estinien would most likely agree with the hot bath thought. everyone needed that after a shit time, and almost as if thinking about things that would make him feel better.....] What order do you want us to deal with those Knights in? There are twelve and killing them all in one go would not be satisfying enough.

[it's a lame attempt at humor, though with a helmet covering his face most would find it hard to discern the humor from the truth.]

[ishguardian]

[ doing something stupid has certainly crossed his mind without a doubt, but thankfully aymeric is not particularly prone to following up with such inclinations -- his near martyring sacrifice at the vault notwithstanding. his self-control is maddeningly restrictive sometimes, but he supposes at least, it has helped him to get where he is today.

with estinien's huff, however, a haze seems to lift from the room, and there is a lightness in the air that was not there before, however faint. he aches still, body and soul, but the fit of despair seems to have passed - or at the very least, leveled out into something controllable. a rueful smile touches the corners of his mouth, though it does not quite reach his eyes, and aymeric sighs as he sits back in his chair. ]

.. ah, if wishes were chocobos, I suppose.

[ if only torture for the fun of it were something aymeric could get behind. alas. ]

[estinien]

If wishes were chocobos? There's enough of those feathered fiends in the forelands for everyone.

[it's obvious estinien isn't a fan of chocobos. for whatever reason it's as if dragoon and bird simply cannot co-exist within a few meters of each other and generally ends in a great big bird-kick to someone's side. normally estinien's. and those breaks are sharper than they look too, and the claws.....

no, people could keep their wishes, they were foolish anyway. estinien would probably rethink that stance one day, wishing he had never set his sights upon the eyes of nidhogg.]

If there's anything you need.... [estinien trails off, not even sure how he means to finish that sentence. there's not much he can offer in his opinion, simply a shoulder. and there are more comfortable shoulders than his own.] I'll be outside making sure no-one disturbs you for now.

[ishguardian]

[ aymeric lifts his eyes from his desk again, and they are hooded and distant still, but his body language is smoothed over and softened, and there is obvious appreciation in his expression, and his voice. ]

.. thank you.

[ because he knows what it means, the true weight of estinien's words, and for all of their playful bickering, and estinien's forced distance, aymeric understands him well, and he knows what it means to be given such words, however brief. there is no doubt in his mind or heart that this man, for all his belligerance and combativeness, is loyal and true to his core. aymeric trusts him, and he is more grateful for this than words can express, though he does what he can to write it into his smile, however weary it might still seem. there are few enough men, these days, that he feels he may entirely rely upon. ]

I'll be glad of the privacy.

[estinien]

Hmph. You'll be sure to get some.

[aymeric gets another glance over as estinien tries to accept that thanks and smile. a part of him wants to linger, hover around the lord commander and just simply keep watch yet estinien knows it'd be counterproductive. not only would aymeric get nothing done but he'd also start getting annoyed at someone constantly being right there. that and estinien suspects lucia will want to do just that. further down the line there will be a few furious and heated arguments in the room outside as estinien makes sure that even aymeric's right hand doesn't disturb his friend.

for now though estinien simply nods and goes to stand outside aymeric's door. there will more than likely be complaints much later from nobles who have born the brunt of estinien's temperament but at least it means that no-one will be bothering aymeric for a good few hours. that is, of course, until the first round of estinien versus lucia kicks off.]